anxiety
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Autism is my rabbit hole
My cousin’s wedding couldn’t have come at a better time. There are these moments, as an autism mom, where I need to just leave. I need to leave Steve, W, and J. I need to leave the high levels of stress (akin to cortisol levels of combat soldiers) that raising an autistic teen triggers and go far away because I need to remember who I am again. Autism is my Wonderland rabbit hole. I’ve talked to my sister-in-law about this before (she also has a kid with autism) and she has the same sentiments. Unlike other forms of disability, there’s no known “threshold” for kids with autism. No one knows what…
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Your best is the best
When we came back from our family trip back in July, J was struggling to get back into his running grove. It wasn’t that J didn’t want to run. The runs were just hard. Some of those summer running practices near the end of July were rough. J’s body was physically fine. His legs were strong, his lungs were strong, and he wasn’t battling any injuries. But running is one of those things that if you miss too many workouts it takes a few workouts until you feel like you’re back to where you were, and being inconsistent (and even missing) morning runs on our two week holiday set J…
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Let’s talk behaviours
J got sent home for behaviours on Thursday. For those of you keeping track, yes, J has been sent home twice in two weeks for behaviour at school. So let’s talk behaviours–since this is part and parcel with autism. I think the term “behaviours” is such a funny term to use with kids on the spectrum. I remember one time in elementary school J announcing at the dinner table that he had a behaviour at school and he seemed almost confused by it. “Behaviours” in autism speak means any (or a combination) of the following: scratching, kicking, biting, hitting, pushing, shoving, destruction to someone’s property, destruction to oneself, etc–a euphemism for bad…
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Grown up lessons
I thought that I was over the whole “I don’t care what people think about me and my family” business, but apparently I’m not. When J was a toddler and I was in the throws of being introduced to the autism experience, I had a sort of crisis of confidence. Not only was my child not “performing” like his peers at peer play groups (and I was enduring daily every mom’s verbal gushing about how wonderfully smart and talented and, well, genius each of there kids were), but I was also struggling with the very public meltdowns. The crying and tantrums at Walmart if we entered the store at a…
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When someone knows autism better than you
Outside of Steve, J, W, and me, there are three tiers of people who understand J’s autism. The first tier is made up of our close friends, family, special ed teachers/paras, and coaches who initially knew nothing about J’s brand of autism but feel a connection with J and ask Steve or I how to best interact with him. They often go out of their way to try to find out more information about autism and because of their interest and determination come up with their own ways of reaching and teaching J. I love the first tier. They make our lives so much easier. They help us bridge that…
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“Maturing” and these moments now
Winter has decided to visit Fargo and settle in for a while. Tuesday we had a blizzard watch and while NDSU got out out at 2pm, J and W still had school until the normal release time. The one schedule change for the kids came later that night–J and W were both supposed to have their choir concerts that night but because of weather conditions, all after school activities were cancelled and the concerts were postponed until Thursday later that week. Surprisingly, J was okay with that. Lately, J seems to be able to roll with things like everyone else. I’m always asking myself “why” when it comes to J,…
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Hanging up the cape
I was trying to figure out the best way to break the news to J that this would be his last year trick-or-treating. I know J would be crushed about it, because, as I mentioned last year, it’s only been about three years since the whole trick-or-treating thing has worked out in his brain for him. Where the anxiety and social struggles finally settled to a point where he could function enough to let some stranger’s dog jump up at the glass door and bark its head off at him, to get the words “trick-or-treat” out, wait 30-60 seconds for someone to fish around in a candy bowl to come up with a…
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Doing the same things and expecting different results
So I have this recurring nightmare. I’m in college, I’m weeks away from graduation, and suddenly I realize that I’ve been signed up for a math and didn’t know about it. I show up for the first time, knowing that even if I do everything I can in the class for those last few weeks, I’m not going to pass the class. I don’t know any of the material and I’m too far behind to catch up. The fact that I missed all but two weeks of class automatically sets me up to fail the class as per department requirements. I have zero assignments turned in. Then I realize I’m not going…
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Where do we go from here?
J can’t handle the load he’s got right now. He comes home with hours of homework. He gets home at 6pm after XC and we plug at the homework until 9:30, sometimes even close to 10pm at night. A quick supper. No breaks. No downtime. He’s defiant. He cries. His attention span is shot (remember, the kid already has ADHD). He is beyond exhausted (and I am too). His internal clock gets him up at 6:00 am no matter what time he got to bed. Then he goes to school and refuses to work. The past few weeks have been full of rough, defiant behavior. Then he comes home with…
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XC boys are the best
J’s paras have a theory about short weeks. Short weeks mean trouble. The kids had no school Friday because it was a teacher development day and sure enough, it’s been a rough week. This meds change/no XC/short school week/who knows what else is up complications have been hard. The kind of week where Steve had to make a trip up to the school to help J sort out his behavioural issues. The last few weeks of XC have been hard too—not in the behavioural issue way, but J gets frustrated that he can’t run. I know he knows on some level that he needs it to make him feel even-keel.…
