motherhood
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One year later
This is where we are, one year later. J is into the first five minutes into his first XC race for the season. He’s in a good mood. Minutes before the race I remind him that he needs to run as fast as he can (which I know he doesn’t know what that is yet) to keep up with the pack. Because we all know it’s no fun to start a race from behind. And although he’s near the back of the pack, seconds after the gun goes off, he’s not trailing the pack like he has done every other race he’s run. He sticks with the pack, and as…
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Autism is my rabbit hole
My cousin’s wedding couldn’t have come at a better time. There are these moments, as an autism mom, where I need to just leave. I need to leave Steve, W, and J. I need to leave the high levels of stress (akin to cortisol levels of combat soldiers) that raising an autistic teen triggers and go far away because I need to remember who I am again. Autism is my Wonderland rabbit hole. I’ve talked to my sister-in-law about this before (she also has a kid with autism) and she has the same sentiments. Unlike other forms of disability, there’s no known “threshold” for kids with autism. No one knows what…
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Your best is the best
When we came back from our family trip back in July, J was struggling to get back into his running grove. It wasn’t that J didn’t want to run. The runs were just hard. Some of those summer running practices near the end of July were rough. J’s body was physically fine. His legs were strong, his lungs were strong, and he wasn’t battling any injuries. But running is one of those things that if you miss too many workouts it takes a few workouts until you feel like you’re back to where you were, and being inconsistent (and even missing) morning runs on our two week holiday set J…
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On “manliness”
While driving home Saturday afternoon, J asked me what it meant to be “manly.” I’m not exactly sure what triggered the thought or why exactly it was on his mind. He’s been asking a lot lately about random vocabulary. But it was an interesting time and place for that question. He was the only male in the car. My mum (who is here in Fargo for a month), W, and I were all headed back from running errands and so three females proceeded to try to explain to J the meaning of this very subjective word. I’ve thought about this word a lot over the years–partly because I’m raising a…
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The heart wants what it wants
It’s been one week and we’re doing better than I thought. Of course, Monday afternoon was hard–heart-wrenching hard. After coming to terms with saying goodbye to Fred over those last few days, the kids were ready (or as ready as they could be). W had requested to keep his collar, while J requested to keep Fred’s leash and water/food dishes (for the next dog he insisted). Steve came home early Monday afternoon and the four of us went to the park to spend our last hour with Fred together and it really was a special time. I was as mindful as I could be–trying to be present with my kids, with…
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Saying goodbye
This post was supposed to be about saying goodbye to middle school and all of the mixed emotions that come from that. But it’s not. I’ll write that one next week. This post is about saying goodbye to Fred. It’s funny isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be nice if life would let you just deal with one emotional event at a time, so you could really process it without anything else going on and just really use your emotional reserves for that one event instead of blubbering over a bunch of different emotional events at the same time? The last day of school and Fred’s downturn happened on the same day.…
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A little track family
W wasn’t so sure if she wanted to join track this season. She had reasons. I think the biggest reason was the one she didn’t bring up when we all sat down at dinner and talked about it. J and I had gone to the first practice that afternoon, but W had decided to stay home. I told her that everyone had asked me where she was, and told everyone that she was still thinking about coming out. “I don’t know, I’m busy,” she said. “And I really liked XC. Track just isn’t the same.” (This is coming from the girl who has never tried track before). “You can do both,”…
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The 10K Gamble and Learning to Trust J
The Fargo Marathon is a pretty big deal around here. It’s a Boston Qualifier, and a really appealing one at that (Fargo is a really REALLY flat course and the weather is usually decent). There are races all week long for whatever floats your boat: dog runs, kid runs, the 5K and then marathon day which includes the 10K, half marathon, marathon relay, and marathon. The city gets really into it. The neighbourhoods do too–live bands play music to help rally the runners, people bring out orange slices to you, there are posters everywhere and hundreds of perfect strangers are cheering you on. It’s a really cool experience. This year my…
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Making Peace with Mother’s Day
Steve and I were rather young when we started our family. There were lots of reasons that contributed to our desire to have kids. The idea of a brand new person made from a little bit of you and a little bit of the person you love more than anything else on the planet is just–well, a rather romantic thing. And since those babies would be made by us (who, of course, were pretty incredible people), then our babies would turn out to be the most incredible humans to contribute to society. Because baby making utilizes only the best genetics, fetal development always goes smoothly, and well educated parents, pretty much guarantees a perfect little human.…
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Without the song and dance
I’m not going to lie. I’m sort of loving the fact that my kids are out of the whole “Holiday Spectacular” phase. When my kids were littles, I thought that I’d be heartbroken when the Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Leprechaun phase (okay, maybe not the Leprechaun thing–I still don’t quite get why that’s such a big deal here, it wasn’t anything I grew up with) was over. But I’m not heart broken at all. In fact, I have this overwhelming sense of relief. Not to say that holidays aren’t still stressful for me. They are. But reduced amounts of holiday fanfare are helpful. I think it’s because I feel like…
