Bildungsroman

“Blidungsroman.” “Coming-of-Age.” “Novel of Formation.” “Growing Up”

J is 13 years old today and officially a teenager. It’s always been uncharted territory with him. He’s always been my mystery child. We’re always trying to figure out what we can do to make him comfortable and safe or what we should do to make sure he can have the best learning experiences possible. Why does he do the things he does? Why doesn’t he experience and feel the world the same way we do?

But now, at 13, we’re starting a different type of uncharted territory.

Our society eats up coming-of-age stories. YA stories are just dripping of wonderful, painful, angsty material. Go into any Barnes and Noble and you’ll see a good third of the store filled with these novels. They’re big money makers. They’re good blockbuster movie makers. Because even adults come back flocking for “coming-of-age” stories. I’m not sure why we still find them appealing. Because our own angst wasn’t angsty enough? Because there’s an underdog to cheer for? Because finding oneself is the ultimate payoff? Because we still haven’t found ourselves yet?

I know this story is going to be a doozy. Teenage life is hard. My teenage life was hard. All of those things like fitting in, boys, trying to find independence from my family, trying to find out what I’m good at so I know what I want to be when I grow up. Hard stuff.

For J it’s going to be even more than that. Going through those things with a body that is oversensitive to everything all the time but it’s now changing and growing and hormonal. Hormones are hard enough when you don’t have autism. Or how about having no clue about the basics of social interaction, let alone the secret languages and nuances of teenage communication? It’s going to be wonderful, painful, and angsty. It’s going to make for a great coming-of-age story.

Even though I’m in my mid-thirties I feel like I’ve been on my own Bildungsroman with J these past 13 years. Not with him, but alongside him, because:

“A Bildungsroman relates the growing up or ‘coming of age’ of a sensitive person who goes in search of answers to life’s questions with the expectation that these will result from gaining experience of the world. . . . Usually in the beginning of the story there is an emotional loss which makes the protagonist leave on his journey. In a Bildungsroman, the goal is maturity, and the protagonist achieves it gradually and with difficulty. The genre often features a main conflict between the main character and society. Typically, the values of society are gradually accepted by the protagonist and he/she is ultimately accepted into society — the protagonist’s mistakes and disappointments are over. In some works, the protagonist is able to reach out and help others after having achieved maturity.” (Wikipedia)

I hope the next 5 + years J and I will be able to successfully navigate our “coming-of-age” stories, side by side. It’s crazy to think that I still am finding out who I am. If these high stakes will make or break me. In some ways J and I are still in this symbiotic relationship. Giving and taking and making mistakes and experiencing disappointments all in the hopes that we can each find our place in society. That we can both feel successful in our own ways–the ways we need to.

And maybe, after we survive these next couple of years and growing pains, part of that J mystery will be solved, and we’ll really get to find out who this J really is. It might take longer than that too. I feel like every year we get closer. Sometimes I get frustrated that it’s not happening fast enough, but I know when we do, when he can sit in his own skin long enough and understand how it works, and who he is, he’ll be able to show us, and it’s going to be amazing.

Happy Birthday, J. Let the Bildungsroman begin!

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